New Album PRE EXISTING CONDITION

I’m sure there was a way I could have done this on this computer that looked better but I totally forgot I own this website. womp mfn womp womp.

Anyways new album

18 tracks 45 minutes despite iTunes calling it 44 minutes, HOW FN DARE THEY.

Anyways, its the hands down the most fun I have had doing stand up in the past year and was recorded at The Joke Joint in St. Paul MN.

https://itunes.apple.com/us/album/pre-existing-condition/id1262212926?app=itunes&ign-mpt=uo%3D4

Screenshot 2017-07-29 at 1.38.33 PM

Pentacost of Living

I’ve got confession today so I’m jamming out to Fleetwood Mac and reveling in the passing of yesterday.
I smell like sunscreen, my fourth Keurig sits in my gut like an upper cut in a Bus Fight Video.
I am
and celebrating almost a year of No Booze or Sobriety as I call it and my 40 Thousandth just birthed its way into the notes section of the phone that I avoid all day by “being busy”.  I have a due date that is beyond manageable and each day the pages fly to the point where I am physically tired in a way I have not yet experienced in music or stand up.
To be honest I’m just stoked to have my health, the love of my life, family, buddies and a Summer full of plans and vacations, tours and two perfect homes to work from and use these resources to delve into my relationship with God through Jesus.
That being said,
I missed My First Friday Devotion and was reminded today that yesterday was the day and I had blown it. I carry two calendars on me at all times, paper and electronic, my Rosary and Divine Mercy Meditation now with Special Intentions to both St. Jude and St. Benedict I was crushing Day 9 of the Pentacost Novena which I was receiving via email from two different email providers. Add to that talking to my girl and parents, roommate, all who have Faith first in their lives and not a mention of First Friday.
Swung on and a miss
I can break down the Seth Rich Conspiracy, machine rigging and illegal charitable foundations aiding Terror as an assault on the Fourth Amendment to take down the First and Second and rewrite our Constitution to reflect the Pre EU 2 that this Nation will divide into based on fear driven politics and entertainment.
We need to centralize power to control Data as AI sheds its human cocoon and leaves the masses clamoring for morsels of sustenance and a way to plug back in once the economy is conveniently re-flush, reset and redistributed as the Elderly are used as human ATMs to finance the price to have to pay to have their voice silenced in trade for their antidotes for cancer and malaise are priced beyond their dreams so why bother.
The circus is in town, so grab a shovel.
NOT A SINGLE MENTION OF FIRST FRIDAY THOUGH.
I am frankly bored with Kathy Griffin, Bill Maher and the rest of the Distraction Wing of our Weaponized Entertainment as they force the red blue right left yes no illusional paradigm as the masses heard themselves into their final tribe.  Its cannibalism and sad yet refreshing to watch the media feast on itself as they bring the Christians and Lions through our various devices hand selected like an echo driven Pandora feeding us shovel fulls of nonsense as we point  Fingers at the prize staring at us from the top shelf of the Soak The Hitler Carnie game we’ve managed to bet our maxed out future on.
Now you know.
Giving up social media has been a refreshing look at society. Gone are the tirades, the validation seeking, the desperate replaced with real people in real lines in reality. All needing a merciful break in their day to day to get them to have enough Hope to continue. I rarely see real anger in my day to day weavings through the bowels, alleys and tree lined sanctuaries of LA.
I don’t see it in lines at stores or out in nature which doesn’t surprise me that our digital selves would to choose to live and operate from the illusion of certainty in our subconscious.
But here it is.
What happens when its not part of your world?
Strip away alcohol and trap dissipates and you see around you and you strip away the illusion of digital opinion and ad driven anger long enough to count your blessings. It’s free to die and free to be thankful and time is money so we always have what we
truly need.
Our thankful breath moving forward as a foundation of our Faith to pity the desperate acts of Celebrity attempting to move the needle of their worth as the latest scandal  further divides.
People screw up, Forgiveness is the only answer. The words matter in the disaster as much as they do in clean up and we shouldn’t judge the apology, we should celebrate  the Truth in its attempt.
When our judgements start to limit what can and can’t be said in a heartfelt apology then in that space we find ourselves the freedom of speech we ultimately require to Submit to The Will of God in celebration of His Love as we navigate this demon driven Death Cult we call Hyper Capitalism.
Now you know.
Grab more sunscreen, its gonna get a lot hotter than you could ever imagine.
GOD BLESSdivine-mercy

DIGITAL CANNIBALS

textgram_1490304179.png

paypal


AI Driven Online Persona Post 1 in the New Willennium. Whiskey and The Surfer show up with Technical Difficulties and smile and dial their way through the new CA Law to Centralize Truth per The Government Guidelines and these Nere-do-well Sexist Racist Liberals are lining up to see who is gonna sell Yoga in the new FEMA Camp.

Butt silicone goes wrong, Cops shoot a guy over a Caulking Gun and we talk about The Real News, The Real Fake News and The Good News as we prepare for the Final Push into Armageddon, are you physically able to outlast the first 30 days of Darkness. We jam out to 369, BRUNO MARS, MOTLEY CRUE, COLIN OF ARABIA, FLOORPUNCH, BOB SEGER, EDDIE MONEY.
LEN Steals our Sunshine and CUT UP debuts a new jammer to be the cascading wave of Cardio Dreams which will save you and your loved ones. PREPARE NOW.
http://www.whiskeyandthesurfer.com
http:www.johntole.com
All Social Media are run by AI, disconnect and try The New Experiment.

IN THE ARMS OF THE ALGORITHMS


textgram_1488470467.png

paypal


Nancy Pelosi has a frown off to win her next job as The Trump Train continues to roll inside of the Digital Simulation. Whiskey and The Surfer, fresh off of Ash Wednesday, they wonder if the Adam’s Family has a Tennis Coach, what is that 4 mile wide creature in the Pacific, Is Oprah training to be our next CZAR and more!
SIR MIXX ALOT an his posse are racing against LANA DEL RAY, FRANKLIN FUENTES and LA GUNS.  A woman kills a guy over a PotRoast, Fraternities go wild in Trump’s America and we rage with WARBRINGER, SUICIDAL TENDENCIES, KILLING TIME and not before we break our single day vocal record with THE DOOBIE BROTHERS and Start an All Obama Pro Weed Michael McDonald Coverband called The Doobie Birthers.
FERGILICIOUS lets us know the algorithms are flossin on Crenshaw as we spend our Lenten Season jamming out to BILLY IDOL, talking about SEX ROBOTS, Digital Orgies, LA’s new TRUMP Based SATANIC Church and ACE FREHLEY asks which Side of the Coin we have to give to GENE.
Did I mention we were Molested by the TSA twice in two hours at LAX? Did I mention Austin TSA workers stealing guns and selling them for Weed? Did I mention some Ne’re-Do-Well who wants to cut off his jack and become the boneless Alien strong enough to singlehandedly fight Trump’s Wall? Did I mention humanity is Doomed and none of this is real?

ANTI PRO WAR LOCK

textgram_1487867212

 



BROH we are hopped on Kerova Edibles, generic day and ny’re-do-quil as we run a digital stake out on some Warlocks and Witches preparing for the coming war between Luby’s and Furr’s.

The world fistfights around the dinner table using porkchops and pot pies while DJ Phantom throws us MADBALL, FULL OF HELL, and CANNIBAL CORPSE.

Witches prepare to cast a spell on Trump so we jam with THE CULT, BON JOVI, FITZ AND THE TANTRUMS, RED VELVET and HANNAH MONTANA to counter balance the fear of Nuclear Fallout killing the seed vault, guaranteeing famine forces the migration of non SLAYER fans forced to decide between NWA, HOUSE OF PAIN and EMINEM.

WHITE LION tells us to wait and see how worse Sweden gets as the Generic Nyquil has us transfixed on Trump’s 7 brand new Planets and Project Veritas hires citizen NARCS to film teenagers bumrushing COPS.

BAD BOYS RUNNING WILD, we jam out to CHICAGO and CHRISTOPHER CROSS and run into the Future of an AI PRISON. Disconnect when we tell you too. None of this is real, we live in a computer.

RIFF SILENT RIFF DEEP STATE

textgram_1487311698


Happy Friday inside of the simulation, Whiskey and The Surfer brings you, “Riff Silent, Riff Deep State”. Donnie Trump does a rough set in front of a drunken bar crowd to celebrate Venezuela’s dumping of VERY FAKE NEWS Ne’re-do-wells and stays for Karaoke where we battle over International waters with ABBA, AUSTRIAN DEATH MACHINE and HAMMERFALL.

Mondo and Carnito have a Mama Mia dance off and we jam out to KISS and The Almighty MACHINE HEAD takes us back to 94 when smuggling horse cock was still a big deal and German beheadings end in being Divorced from your body. We talk about that movie in space with that blonde chick and some Canadian SJW finds out baby does get put in the corner.

THE BEATLES take pics with our wallets at Universal Studios and by some CHEAP TRICK, German penguins are decapitated, 50 Owls commit Kamikaze in the name of Molluch. Putin parks his Carnival Cruise Sub in Connecticut to enjoy Red Panda Covers of AGNOSTIC FRONT and DAFT PUNK and we save America with riffs from Tijuana as KENNY LOGGINS tries out our new Global Anthem. None of this is real, we live in a computer.


OPEN HEART TO HEART


textgram_1486696947.png

JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE is the TOM BRADY of MICHAEL JACKSON’S stable and the illuminati is preparing the sacrificial Chinese Blood Red Panda for its first BOWEL transplant and they are using Antarctic Nuclear Subway Franchises to cool the Meat long enough to poison the evil with Antifreeze, a woman loses her S and spikes her dudes roids and YOU think you got it bad, some dude loses his entrails after a romp including Stolen Chinese Engines, Seed Banks, AZEILIA BANKS, and the ghost of Ray Croc shows up with a Ginzu and powdered Illuminati jizz mix to help those frigid franchizees.

JESUS, how long is this show?
35 minutes of riffing over riffs in the name of riffs, Wes Key and Fliip Riivirs might disagree politically but its fun in the AM on Denver’s Top Iconic Rock as MOTLEY CRUE drives Sam Kinison to their gig and opens for the ALMIGHTY AGNOSTIC FRONT, we keep the vein pumping into the new heart with HATEBREED, BLOOD FOR BLOOD, THE WRONGSIDE, FOLSOM and break down comic merch, IVANKA’S Republican Go Fund Me campaign is robbed and we buy a lazer run on Digital Angst and Lizard controlled Weather.

Mondo and Carnito have two more weeks of Suspension after an incident in HR involving a DOPETHRONE and a rented stomach stapler stolen out of the basement at The Golden Nugget. Bug Theater Denver March 4 w SHULI EGAR, after that we go full casino and turn this buffet of Ignorance into a Benihana Sizzler sized Onion Volcano and Pray a Tsunami cleans Venice of its venture capital.
2 LIVE CREW gives ELLE KING the BUSINESS only to be accompanied by THE BUTTHOLE SURFERS, HAVOK, MISSIO from Austin throws their finger in the air only to he saved by WHEELER WALKER JR, who has been Everywhere Man and saving America by hiding autotuners from Eddie Van Halen and we decide Immigrants need to be Eddie Vetted, if he won’t let em in Pearl Jam, then they gotta wait.

Set your Heart to THE EMOTIONS and learn that loving love is the new hating hate so grab your Hitler Cat, the phrase that Pays, grab four handfuls of NAZI PUSSY and lets TP ROGER GOODELLS Alleged Sex Mansion with 25 rolls of three ply Dead Falcon.
None of this is Real, support algorithmic equality.

GreenBowling for COLUMNWHINE

textgram_1486152534


Kelly Anne Conway wows us with today’s zig as the nation lines up to preorder the latest zag. Northface Stock climbs higher as Global Warming Rock throwing Liberals beat up their own in Berkeley in the name of Winter Fashions. Students, ardent diehard fans of Palestine, said it felt just like being there as they opined over their heroics over a Starbucks.

Trump bats .600 this week, Rogan and AJ break the internet and Eddie Bravo says FUCK CLOUDS as we open up with DRESSY BESSY and celebrate all things METAL in the name of DIO. Two eyes from the East and they are looking towards IRAN as our computer is invaded by the Elites and we are unable to tell you not to see A DOGS PURPOSE, GOLD, 50 SHADES OF FUCK THIS and MONSTER TRUCKS. We are able to talk about some saucy Brazillion smashing young cock as the 106 year old prepares to marry, ELON MUSK and HAWKING argue over an AI ARMS RACE and it leads to arm wrestling and a hot game of Snake on an old NOKIA.

STEVE BANNON is the CHUCK D of TRUMP’S AMERICA as we BRING THE NOIZE with PUBLIC ENEMY, smoke DMTlacedShrooms with STURGIL SIMPSON and discover MEXICO keeps BOOTBARN open.

FAKE NEWS has us scared of SHARK TANKS, scissor weilding threesomes has us Sitting up Straight to cure Depression. Brand NEW IRON REAGAN for the thrashers and TERROR says I WILL DO THIS MAXIMUM OUTPUT BY MYSELF, Beyonce has twins to be used as BONGS to ascend past Kanye’s level of EGO, WE WANNA BE COWBOYS and VANITY 6 and Azeilia Banks shows us BEYONCE and RHIANNA are overrated in the Psyop PSYPOP Wars of 2017, PLUS, RATT, KISS and INFEST ASKS WHERE THE UNITY IS and no one knows but keeps throwing rocks with their non Iphone hand.

 

WALL OF HATE

textgram_1485470378

SLAYER VS these Loser SJWs and their hate filled racist women’s march come under fire for hiring Terrorists and Murderesses to lecture the youth of America, meanwhile Yahoo scares us with Anti Chinese News as a Panda Escapes into a Neighborhood to avoid being shot like an Obama Pardoned Convict into a Federal Halfway House, The Navy now has lazer beams and The Antarctic Assange Cloning Base is finally ready to have the White Sale America Paid for with Middle Eastern Blood.

 

Mondo and Carnito are forced behind the Wall after Human Resources sides with our new Corporate Countries CEO and declares the sidewalk around our Studio a multicultural Safe Space. We rock rage and discuss prisoner cannibalism, M&M Mars Allegedly feeding unmarked illegal skittles to the Cattle of America to Fatten up Americans so they are too fat to escape over Trump’s Wall. Trump unveils a new Hotel along and on top of the Border now ringing the whole continental US with both North and South views and the workers dying while its being made.

ACCEPT keeps our Balls to the Wall, KILLING TIME wows us with their Wall of Hate, SHARK ATTACK rages with IRON MAIDEN, CHICK HABIT and NEW POLITICS get our hearts bumping long enough to make everyone drug tested for Blow as we build a wall around our alarm clocks so we never have to go to work in Trumps 2017 America. Did I mention ZZTOP and a woman stealing illegal jizz in the name of Human Pig Cloning and MONDO AND CARNITO finally make it on the air and we apologize for Carnito’s Nairdowell attempts at taking over the show in Spanish but we respect Mondo’s Snow knowledge and traffic.

Cash in on The Swamp


textgram_1484865149

Inside the Inauguration, hopefully that is spelled right, if not I will have to complain to the algorerythm department that sold me the characters in this show. JOIN DJ Phantom, Fliip Riivers, Wes Key, Flake Newsome and Mondo and Carnito with Traffic Y Weather on the 7’s as we rage in the Simulation with COFFIN BREAK who tell us about how they would vote from a time machine in the 90s, We get visited by THE TING TINGS, STEVE MILLER goes hard 80s on us, DEVO shows up and now everyone owns three plastic flower pots they will never wear again.
WE SEE CARROT TOP and VINNIE PAUL and drop new jams from POWER TRIP, THE ALMIGHTY DIRTY ROTTEN IMBECILES…IMBECELLIN…We rage on with VITAMIN X, GARY NUMAN, and MUNICIPAL WASTE gets CUT OFF. We talk about Vegas Weddings and Hotel Sex, buying Old Lady Glasses out of sheer blindness, Cop Level Secret Powers and The Reincarnation of PRINCESS DIANA TO RUN THE WORLD when they blow up the Capital Building on a Green Screen in the CIA’s Basement.
Ben Swann gets stiff treatment after a cheap heat segment and we offer Wolf Blitzer and Anderson Cooper jobs now that CNN is the Leftist INFOWARS, on a good day. None of this is real, Support Algorithmic Reproductive Rights to be able to be Copy and Pasted and Run ad nauseum as long as the Operator gets to retain ownership of the Ground we assimilate into.
At some point while typing these I realize I stop paying attention, I should probably blame not drinking Booze and after more than Six months Sober I can tell you that if you are a full blown raging party problem haver and love Stand Up Comedy then do yourself a favor and never quit drinking. OH YEAH plus MINOR THREAT and Female Serial Killers and saving your brain using only words, God and a hot tub.